The Story of Haldor

Ever since it first came out, I have been a massive fan of Bethesda’s 2011 masterpiece The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. I’ve been playing this video game off and on for the last several years and it’s delivered each time I return. Skyrim has a beautifully written main questline with an immense number of terrific side quests that I still haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of. On top of being drop-dead gorgeous, the story and world of the Elder Scrolls is rich and deep with many complex layers to its politics, religions and cultures. Skyrim is a top-tier video game when it comes to immersion, storytelling, gameplay and overall execution. I love it.

So, naturally, when I read that there was an online role-playing multiplayer mod for Skyrim available for download I absolutely had to look into it. Keizaal Online is a fan-made mod that allows you to explore and interact with other role-players in the world of Skyrim; there are no other NPCs (non-player characters) and there are no official “quests” or objectives to accomplish. The in-game economy, storylines and interactions are completely 100% player-driven. The mod and its community have exploded in popularity in the last few months, and I was coming in late to the party. 

I had no idea what I was getting myself into beyond role-playing in Skyrim; I had no idea how money was made, how players interacted with each other regularly, or what kinds of quests and tasks were available. All I knew before joining the server was the well-established backstory of this new Skyrim world, which became crucial to my own character’s backstory:

“Twenty-five years have passed since the Stormcloaks first started [Ulfric’s] rebellion. The Empire deployed their elites, a fully equipped, veteran Imperial force to Skyrim. Against a true Legion, Ulfric’s armies were swiftly crushed. The Empire dismantled the rebellion, occupied the holds, and placed Skyrim under temporary martial law as part of an imperial reconstruction that has lasted decades. What remained of the old rebellion has reorganized into an insurgency, small cells, hidden camps, and guerrilla fighters scattered across the mountains and wilds of Skyrim.”

Knowing this, I decided to create a low-stakes character with game knowledge and a backstory that I had already known from the original single-player game. My character was named Haldor, an old Nordic veteran of the rebellion whose bones and body were too old to work or fight any longer. After Ulfric and his rebellion were squashed twenty-five years prior, Haldor had fled Skyrim and gone into hiding. He has now returned to his homeland after many years; all that was left in him was his faith in the ninth divine, the Nordic man-God who ascended to enlightenment and divinity through great feats: Talos. 

With my backstory in mind and my character created, I loaded into the Public Server 1 to see what all the hullabaloo was about...

Haldor, returning to Skyrim after many years of absence, began his journey in Solitude, a city far in the northern regions of his homeland. Little did he know that this beginning wasn’t good for him, given that he was of Nordic descent and a devout worshiper of Talos. He made a long and dangerous trek through the wilderness southward to the city of Whiterun, where there would surely be more citizens and, with luck, someone who could help him get back on his feet again.

Haldor eventually met a tailor who crafted him a roughspun tunic to fit his budget of zero coin. This was the first unique lesson he learned from this new Skyrim: you cannot interact with the world normally like you could in the past. In order to get new clothes, you must interact with a tailor. In order to get new armor, you must interact with a blacksmith. In order to get food, you must interact with a cook. This would naturally lead to an immense amount of player interaction, no doubt. Thankfully, Haldor's return to Skyrim as a beggar made his money and work expectations straightforward.

With rags for clothes and an empty belly, Haldor walked down to the Shrine of Talos in the courtyard of Whiterun and sat at the bench underneath the Gildergreen tree. He spent much of the afternoon watching the other citizens of Skyrim walk by, eavesdropping bits and pieces of fascinating conversation. Some curious pedestrians even came up and asked Haldor about his travels and what he was doing in Whiterun. Haldor would often answer with a question like “could you spare a coin for an old beggar?”

In one of these interactions, a heavily armored warrior came up and insulted Haldor, calling him a filthy peasant and “spitting” on him (the role-player pretended to spit into his mic and I recoiled like I had just been spat on). This was observed by several other townsfolk and a Whiterun guard, who quickly rushed to my aid. The guard told the warrior to return and apologize to me, or face potential jail time. The man who spat on me returned and apologized, humbled in front of the guard and the other townsfolk. Haldor forgave him and wished the warrior safe travels by saying “Talos guide you”.

Naturally, this led the guards and the rest of the nearby townsfolk into a bit of a frenzy; Talos worship was outlawed in this new Skyrim, and Haldor had no idea that he had just signed his own death sentence. Within a few seconds, the guards quickly sought out the nearest superior officer: a large, heavily armored High Elf of the Dominion and the Thalmor.

Haldor was bound in chains immediately while the High Elf slowly descended the stone steps of Whiterun towards him. The High Elf had flames coming out of his hands and looked like he was ready to barbecue some Nord. He asked Haldor where he came from and what his business was in Whiterun. Haldor explained his old age, his absence in the wake of the rebellion, and his return to Skyrim as a worshiper of Talos. Naturally, this upset the Thalmor, but a crowd had also gathered in the courtyard and a public execution would definitely be… a choice…

Haldor was sentenced to death and given one full day to think on his actions and renounce his faith. The Thalmor and guards took Haldor up the steps while the townsfolk stood back and watched the arrest. When he was jailed, the guards and High Elf demanded that Haldor renounce Talos or face execution. But he resisted, stating that he was ready to die for his faith and pay for the crimes he had committed in Ulfric’s name twenty-five years ago. After being questioned by the Thalmor, one of the guards asked Haldor what time he would be “awake” for his execution the following day (asking me what time I could log in tomorrow for my execution). A time was set in the evening and Haldor “slept” the night in the dungeon at Dragonsreach. 

Over the course of the next twenty-four hours, I couldn’t stop thinking about the events that had taken place on my first day of playing Keizaal. These were hardcore role-players and they were NOT fucking around! Truthfully, I was excited at the idea of a religious heretic’s public execution; what a wonderful in-game moment for others to watch and experience as role-players in a vast world! I logged back in the following day looking forward to my execution, and I even decided to stream the event for a few of my friends on Discord who now were heavily invested in the story.

Upon Haldor’s awakening at the time that was agreed upon there were no guards around him, nobody aware of his being there, and no Thalmor around to carry out his sentence. In time one guard was sent to retrieve the headsman, another guard was sent to the Thalmor, and all this while there were other crimes and situations developing in the streets of Whiterun. Haldor was trapped in his cell, completely at the mercy of the guards managing his case. All he could do in his lonely cell was pray to Talos for forgiveness.

Hours had passed with no developments, only mild interactions between the guards at the jail and Haldor (role-players on power trips and insulting prisoners). A few other prisoners came and left, with a Whiterun lieutenant questioning each one and evaluating each case. After three hours with no word from any guards or Thalmor agents, Haldor had “served his maximum sentence” and was deemed free to leave. His conditions of release were that he was banned from entering Whiterun, and that he was not permitted to talk about or worship the false god Talos. Haldor hesitantly “accepted” these terms and walked out of Dragonsreach a free man once again.

It was at this moment, the taste of freedom, that Haldor knew it was Talos that saved his life, and from then on his faith became stronger than ever. By staying vigilant and not renouncing his religion he was set free and given a second chance at life. He exited the city with a familiar face by his side: a Khajiit tailor, and one of the townsfolk from the previous day who had watched Haldor get arrested. Surprisingly he, too, shared the same faith as Haldor. The two traded stories and set out on a quest for a remote place to practice their faith: a Statue of Talos in the wilderness of Skyrim. 

Their adventure first brought them far north to a statue near the ruined city of Winterhold, a place largely unpopulated and remote. But even on the outskirts of Skyrim there were travelers on their own quests for adventure. One of these travelers was a well-armored and articulate Orc who had traveled long and far across Skyrim and had much to share with the old Nord. He gave advice on where to seek refuge, what few Nords were still left in Skyrim, and how Talos worshipers were few and far between. This information was bitter, but crucial, and Haldor found himself a new Orc friend (don't worry, we’ll come back to him later).

Haldor and the Khajiit made the long trek back towards Whiterun, where they found a warmer safe haven: a Shrine of Talos in a secluded cave, sheltered from the elements but also open enough to hold a larger gathering of like-minded individuals. From that moment on Haldor and his Khajiit friend made a promise of non-violence and pacifism, pledging to find other like-minded worshipers of Talos who were willing to embrace a peaceful approach to freedom of religion in Skyrim.

I never encountered the Khajiit player again after this play session. In the play sessions that followed I ran around Skyrim from major city to major city, traversing the wilderness, sniffing out other Nords, and other possible worshipers of Talos. It was an extremely difficult road.

Haldor encountered extreme persecution and isolation on his pilgrimage across Skyrim; he was run out of Markarth by city guards, nearly killed half a dozen times, questioned outside the gates of Solitude by city guards that ran him down, and completely ignored by everyone passing by in Falkreath and Windhelm. There were zero friendly faces left in Skyrim; even a few bandits and robbers took pity on the old man with absolutely nothing but his faith.

In his desperation, Haldor went to the one place where he thought he could find answers: High Hrothgar, the Greybeards, and the climb... the seven-thousand steps. He wasn’t sure what he would find at the Throat of the World, but his gut called him to Skyrim’s highest peak. At High Hrothgar he found an old student of the Greybeards, waiting outside in the cold for travelers to approach and ask for guidance. It was there that Haldor learned of the story of creation in Tamriel, the story of the great Jurgen Windcaller and the legends that spoke of the former Greybeards. Haldor asked the Greybeard student questions of the faith that he was persecuted for and how to worship Talos in a world that wanted him dead. The sage told Haldor the value of this one life we have, and choosing the right moments to stand up for what you believe in. In the face of oppression, and even death, it is those who quietly carry their faith in their pockets who keep the word of Talos alive and well. He implored Haldor not to seek martyrdom so quickly and willingly in the name of his god, but to persevere and push forward towards his own enlightenment and, in turn, the enlightenment of others. 

Haldor descended the seven thousand steps a changed man, revitalized with the wisdom and words of this Greybeard student. His determination and resolve was stronger than ever before, and with that his pilgrimage across Skyrim continued. He kept his faith reserved for those who were trustworthy, shielding his true intentions from most others. But when the connection was made he would make an effort to introduce himself properly, start the conversation about Talos, and how the Empire’s oppression had affected Skyrim. 

His travels led him far and wide across the land, with still no luck in finding any other worshipers of Talos. Eventually, he landed in his final stop on his pilgrimage: the city of Riften. Haldor’s feet had grown weary and his body was tired; he stopped at the local tavern and purchased himself some food and drink with what little coin he had left. He sat alone there, as he had been for days on end. As Haldor watched other patrons come and go from the Bee and Barb, he came to the realization that his homeland was nothing like it had once been when he was younger. Skyrim had changed, and its people weren't ready to have the conversation that he wanted to have about Talos. Not only was he too weak to work and too frail to fight, he was also all alone in his homeland. He finished his wine and returned to the cave near Whiterun that he knew all too well. 

At this point on my journey with Haldor I had sunk several hours into running around aimlessly in Skyrim and not making any meaningful connections. Becasue so many interactions were trade and transaction based, I could only really talk about my quest I was on (and you can imagine how that went most of the time). Not only was I lacking in any kind of community or connection in this massive role-playing world, but now I had felt like I was starting to waste my time. So many of my encounters ended awkwardly with me dancing around the idea of how many “divines” there were and where my character’s faith truly lied. No one could be trusted! The only safe space I had in the whole map was this small alcove where a Statue of Talos was hidden near Shimmermist Cave. 

Just as Haldor was laying to rest on the cold dirt of his all-too-familiar cave, a group of several Nords approached the Statue of Talos and stumbled upon the old man. They questioned him and asked him why he slept in a cave with Talos, a conversation that Haldor had been forced to flee from several times on his travels. He hesitated to answer truthfully as the cave was his only safe space in all of Skyrim, but the Nords were calm and not menacing. They told Haldor that he was among friends, and that he could speak freely of Talos in their presence. At long last, after traveling far and wide, through snow and sleet, against werewolves and elves, facing persecution and execution, the search was over! And in poetic fashion, it was the Stormcloaks who found Haldor and not the other way around. There was much joy and relief shared between the old man and his new friends as they spoke of Talos and Haldor’s long pilgrimage across Skyrim. 

One of the leaders of the Stormcloaks, a high ranking lieutenant, approached Haldor and swore him into their service on the conditions that Haldor be prepared to defend his brothers with his life and, if necessary, shed blood in the name of Talos. This condition left Haldor extremely conflicted; he had sworn to a life of pacifism and non-violence, hoping to bring peace and harmony back to his homeland. It was violence that exiled him all those years ago and to return to it so hastily was not what Haldor wanted. The Stormcloaks sought to bring Talos worship back by force, using any means necessary to make themselves known throughout Skyrim once again. What was Haldor to do: renounce his pacifism and join the rebellious Stormcloaks as he once did years ago, or stick to his values and compromise with his new kin?

Out of the game, I was heavily conflicted as well; these role-players literally stumbled upon me right as I was about to log off and go to sleep, possibly to never play again. This was the kind of interaction I had been seeking after nearly a dozen hours of hapless searching around the map. My gut feeling was that the path of violence would end poorly for Haldor, but I told myself that I would only have to shed blood once before becoming an official priest for these Stormcloak soldiers. One more battle, to end all other battles. All I had to do was pick up the sword…

Haldor took up the sword and elected to join the new Stormcloak rebellion. He said the words and swore the oath in the presence of the almighty Talos. His new brothers embraced him with open arms; his days of pacifism and non-violence were behind him, for now. Introductions were in order and Haldor was delighted to be amongst kin once again. For his initiation, the lieutenant elected to take Haldor and the party on a raiding mission through the rocky plains of Whiterun. Word had spread that the Empire’s legions were moving in the night, travelling by road. The plan was simple: hide and wait, then surprise and raid the unsuspecting Imperials. This test would not only prove Haldor’s loyalty to the Stormcloaks, but also show his skill with a blade, something that his brothers may come to rely on in the near future. 

Soon after receiving a sword and armor, Haldor found himself traveling with his newfound brothers to a hiding place and waiting for the right moment to attack. The party quietly crouched behind a rock; their lieutenant sat on a ridge above them, watching for the oncoming Imperial troops to cross the road. For several minutes they waited, but the Imperials never came and the air around the Nords was thick with anticipation. Quickly, the lieutenant ordered his men to disengage and relocate to a new hiding spot for another potential attack.

As the group darted across the plains of Whiterun an Orc appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and asked the party where they were heading. Haldor immediately recognized this Orc as the same one that gave him counsel in the cold outside of Winterhold several days before. He wanted to stop and say hi, but there was no time for pleasantries here while the stakes were this high. The Orc asked the group what their business was, to which the Stormcloak lieutenant waved him off, not revealing the nature of their mission. Haldor's Orc friend continued to follow and question the Stormcloaks, angering the lieutenant. This badgering led to him making a decisive order to have Orc stopped and killed. As soon as this order went out, the Orc ran away and the Nords chased after him with their weapons drawn.

But it was quickly apparent that not all was as it seemed; the Orc ran into a large rocky outcropping, leading the Stormcloak party into a surprise ambush. In an instant, nearly two dozen Orcs emerged from behind the rocks and attacked the Stormcloaks. The Nords tried to outrun their attackers, but it was a futile effort; the berserker brutes had overtaken the Stormcloaks and began cutting them down one by one. Haldor tried to save his brothers from their grizzly fates, cutting and slashing at any orc that came close enough. Amidst the chaos and confusion, Haldor was struck and knocked down… a senseless death, slain on the plains of Whiterun.

My screen faded red; the game presented in big, bold letters “You Died” and that I would respawn in a nearby temple. After about a minute of waiting, my old priest reemerged in Whiterun’s Temple of Kynareth. As I loaded into the temple, my new Stormcloak friends began to respawn around me as well. The silence was deafening and embarrassing; was this what it was like to ascend to Sovngarde? My heart and soul sank into my heels. After half a dozen play sessions and all this time spent searching for like-minded individuals, within one hour I had renounced what I set out to do and paid the ultimate price for going against it. The real Morgan had felt a very real sense of remorse for what Haldor had done… and for what I had done. 

As I sat in that temple, I wondered what Haldor would do in this situation. How would this once pacifist priest respond to such senseless, pointless violence? Could Haldor forgive himself for his actions? Would Talos forgive him for going back on his pledge? 

That night was the last time I ever logged into Keizaal Online, and it was the last time anyone had ever heard from or seen Haldor. He was pronounced officially dead, cut down by Orcs on the plains of Whiterun in a senseless skirmish. He returned to Skyrim a devout worshiper, and from that dungeon Talos freed him from his chains. But as soon as he had renounced his pledge to peace, the gods saw fit to punish him in the way that they did. 

The whole experience has left me with more questions than answers, and has led me to seriously reflect on my own personal beliefs and values as a human being in an exceedingly chaotic world. I look at Skyrim and see the same persecution, corruption and inequality that I see in real life. We log in to escape from reality, but the truth is that Keizaal Online isn't much different from the real world. Could someone like Haldor ever truly come close to having a constructive conversation about free religion with someone as bigoted and power-hungry as a High Elf Thalmor? How long would it take Haldor to save up money and purchase his own home, if there was even one available? After everything that Haldor went through... insulted, persecuted, spat on, shot at, swung at, jailed... in the end he recants his values and pays the ultimate price for it.

What does that say about us? About me? Skyrim gives us a terrific sandbox to test our own values against fear, loneliness, belonging, and most notably violence. We can defend our beliefs in real life as well, but unfortunately we don’t respawn in the Temple of Kynareth when we die.

I’m very grateful for Haldor and his story. I choose to live as long and as hard as I can.