Being an Anxious, Introverted Artist

introvert [noun] in-truh-vurt

1. a shy person.

2. Psychology. a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings

via Wikipedia on Introversion:

Introversion is the state of being predominantly interested in one's own mental self. Introverts are typically perceived as more reserved or reflective. Some popular psychologists have characterized introverts as people whose energy tends to expand through reflection and dwindle during interaction...

... Introverts often take pleasure in solitary activities such as reading, writing, using computers, hiking, or fishing. The archetypal artist, writer, sculptor, scientist, engineer, composer, and inventor are all highly introverted. An introvert is likely to enjoy time spent alone and find less reward in time spent with large groups of people, though they may enjoy interactions with close friends. Trust is usually an issue of significance: a virtue of utmost importance to introverts is choosing a worthy companion. They prefer to concentrate on a single activity at a time and like to observe situations before they participate, especially observed in developing children and adolescents. They are more analytical before speaking. Introverts are easily overwhelmed by too much stimulation from social gatherings and engagement, introversion having even been defined by some in terms of a preference for a quiet, more minimally stimulating external environment.

I'm an introvert. To people that know me personally, this isn't any kind of shocking news. What's shocking to me is when I reflect on how I became introverted, a lot of thought-provoking questions come up. Did the experiences of my life up to this point make me more reserved or open to others? Is that a good or a bad thing? Is it bad to be introverted in the first place? Will it affect my day-to-day activities?

To be honest, life is too short to ponder these questions and get hung up on if I'm doing it right or wrong. Everyone goes through life in their own way and, in my opinion, if you're happy along the way then who gives a shit? Be yourself and be happy!

I thoroughly enjoy my extroverted friends. Not only do they push me to my social and mental limits as a person, but they make me laugh when I tell them I'd rather stay at home on a Friday night and watch a movie by myself instead of going to a bar or club and dancing/rubbing on dozens of intoxicated strangers. Trust me, neither option is right or wrong; I've had plenty of nights at home drinking alone, watching a movie and getting lost inside my head. Relatively, I've also been out to bars and clubs into the late hours of the evening with friends and peers dancing, drinking and acting stupid for the sake of acting stupid!

Now of the two, I definitely prefer the former. But there's an unaddressed X-Factor to this whole scenario: I'm a filmmaker and an artist. Being a filmmaker isn't an easy profession; you have to be quick on your feet, communicative, efficient, crafty, and especially if you're a key creative on set, ambitious and innovative. All of these traits and more make up a good filmmaker, and to be truly great you have to know the craft in and out and push it to its limits (cue the Paul Engemann memes).

As an aspiring filmmaker, storyteller and writer it's crucial to have unique and enriching experiences. Filmmakers and artists draw on their emotions and personal lives to tell interesting and powerful stories. Anyone who's creative leaves a piece of themselves in their work, and in some cases the art impacts the artist in more ways than one, leaving a profound and personal imprint. Sometimes the wounds cut deeper than others...

Nevertheless, as an introvert, I'm not going to have enriching and invigorating experiences sitting at home drinking and watching movies. At the same time some days I have to wrestle and fight my anxiety just to go outside and talk to people in a social setting. Never has this struggle been more challenging to me than in my short time up here in Vancouver, British Columbia.

I'm currently attending Vancouver Film School in the heart of Downtown VanCity and it's been wonderfully enriching. I don't live far from my school and classes, I've made lots of new friends and on top of it all I've gotten the rare chance to re-invigorate my film knowledge and apply it to my previous schooling from the Scottsdale School of Film and Theater in Arizona. After tediously writing and directing a long capstone project at SCC, it's been a wonderful refresher to have this incredible influx of information and guidance coming from industry professionals who have worked in one of the busiest film cities in the entire world.

With this amazing school and incredible new connections, first impressions have never before been more important. This is my definitive last year of film school and my peers will eventually become my co-workers and, potentially, creative collaborators. Not only do I need to respect them and help them; I need to stand out in the massive crowd of wanna-be directors and artists as someone who is serious, personable, fun to work with and passionate about storytelling in movies. This means going out with my new friends to socialize and talk movies, meeting up with my teachers to create important relationships, working hard on peer-projects and being as extra as possible wherever I can.

So as an introverted, aspiring filmmaker how do I overcome my social anxiety when it comes to working with individuals creatively and going out to have new and enriching experiences?

Well it's not easy. I ran into this problem last week when I was invited out to a school karaoke night by some of my classmates. It involved me going somewhere I had never been before, interacting with people I didn't know, potentially drinking, having to sing on a stage and maybe even dance along! What preceded this exact thought was an intense anxiety attack and overwhelming feelings of sorrow and loneliness. It was not a fun night and I didn't end up going.

Some people remember the good and happy moments of their lives, but everyone also remembers the bad and difficult times they endure. Our struggles shape us into who we are and at the end of the day we emerge stronger and smarter than who we were when that day started. This day I had was no exception and I learned more about myself during this anxiety attack than ever before. It takes a strong person to control themselves during a very poor mental state, but it takes an even stronger person to take a step back during that state and ask themselves: what exactly is going on?

I thought long and hard about what happened to me that day, how it affected me and what I could do to prevent that situation from happening again. If you're still reading at this point and if there's anything I want anyone to take away from this whole thing, it's this:

Everyone has anxiety. Introverts maybe more-so than extroverts, and especially artists more than anyone else. At times it can be overwhelming, crushing and even defeating. The key to relieving this anxiety, as an artist, is to recognize and tell yourself how valuable you are as a creative person. You owe it to yourself to go outside, experience the world, meet new people and do things you wouldn't normally do. Get excited. Take risks. Be stupid, be smart, be yourself. Nobody gets through life living it through a screen or the bottom of a bottle.

When it comes to being social or overcoming your anxieties, here's some handy advice: set a personal goal. Something easily achievable, not outrageous and overbearing. For example: you get invited to go to karaoke night with your friends, but you have immense social anxiety and can't bring yourself to go out. Tell yourself you'll stay for only forty minutes or an hour and if you're not having fun you'll get to go home, relax and recharge. If you are having fun, then stay out and experience the world! Observe and analyze everything around you for what it is, then go home and write a story about it. Don't interact with anyone for any longer than you feel comfortable with, but also don't forget to be respectful and mindful of other people's feelings.

Anyways, that's my Friday night sermon for everyone on social anxiety as an artist. If you made it this far I hope you learned something about yourself, or if you just read the story then I hope you found it entertaining (not that my anxious plight is anything to be really entertained by but you get the idea). I've only been writing "Top Fives" this year on my blog so I hope that this piece was a refreshing change of pace from the regular new movies post. I'll be releasing a Top 5 for September soon, so look out for that coming up! Thanks so much, as always, for reading and I'll see you next time :)

-morgan