Reflections: October 2017

**This post is a personal reflection of my life over the last few months, everything I learned about myself, the world and what I plan to do with my knowledge going forward**

I'll start by saying it's been a wild ride.

I just finished a week of principal photography for my capstone project titled "La Esencia". The film is about a struggling food blogger who stumbles upon a cannibalistic chef that shares his passion for human flesh with the blogger, and in turn hooks him on the taste. The story is by no means very original or glamorous (an obvious cannibal, a kitchen death scene and a typical annoying girlfriend) but I digress. Beautiful cinematography in combination with amazing performances from my actors will make for a truly amazing film. I can't wait to edit it and show it to the world.

I left the set the other night feeling a huge sense of pride, happiness and relief. My entire crew was a team of superstars; film students who had never professionally done their jobs ever before, but went above and beyond to kick as much ass at their job as they could. My Cinematographer Sam Felker, my Producer Dan Felska, my First Assistant-Director Alan Wenger and my Production Designer Jessica Pacyne went above and beyond their calls of duty to make the film happen, and I'll forever be in their debt. The talent Tom J. McCoy, Emma Heim and Adam Berardi were my rocks in front of the camera; they understood the film's characters even better than I did, and without them the movie wouldn't have come to life as it did. I was also blessed with wonderful mentors on set to help in our dire times of need: Terry Donnelly, Rawn Hutchinson, Sarah Galarza, Ralph Krzypczak and Daniel Hipps. Now I look forward to several weeks (and possibly even months) of cutting and correcting with my editor Taylor Scannell in the post-production room.

I knew going into this project that it would be very difficult. I had never directed a production of this scale, and it was incredibly intimidating all the way from the beginning. I was surrounded by a team of people who all looked to me for the answers, the vision and the plan. But not just regular people; they were my friends and peers who interviewed for their positions going into the class. My school was also funding a LOT of money into the production, and my mentors were building up the anticipation to help build momentum going into production. We were using full industry standard equipment, shooting in real practical locations, paying actual working actors on a full five day production...for twelve hours each day. To make a long story short, there was a lot riding on me to deliver something good here.

Nothing in existence could have prepared me for the oncoming storm back in May when I was selected to be writer/director. The film has tested me in ways I never thought possible, and bent me backwards and forwards ten times over. I've sacrificed the relationships of my friends at and outside of school by focusing on my art/film full time. I've felt my physical and mental health deteriorate over the course of the last few months mostly due to lack of proper sleep, an excess of caffeine and not enough real food. I had to maintain a reputation and public image as THE writer/director, along with being constantly told to stay focused, calm and collected. How do you stay sane when you have no idea what you're doing? I was rolling decently with the punches, but the film was starting to swing faster and I was getting more tired with each passing day.

My lowest point was during the heat of pre-production. We were just starting to raise money, I had sent out a casting call and the pace of things really started to pick up. I found myself constantly thinking about the film; who to cast, how much money we needed, where to film at, what art to hang on the walls, how to shorten the script. I was starting to get hung up on elements of the film making process that were out of my control, like our schedule, our budget, our equipment and lighting and it weighed in on the stress of the project. This, combined with the stress of my personal life (or rather lack thereof) led to a very brief moment of regret and intense depression during pre-production. I wasn't happy doing"what I loved" and the thought of doing it for the rest of my life made me queasy. My sadness and fears of film making manifested itself in a documentary called "My Life Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn"(2015). It was filmed by Nicolas' wife, and in the documentary she follows him during the production of his film and "Only God Forgives"(2013) starring Ryan Gosling. When I was watching it, I saw Nicolas go through the same struggles I was going through at the time. He was unsure of what his story was, his current production, himself and his own ability. He was doubting himself at every corner he came to. The film really manifested itself in an argument that Nicolas has with his wife behind the camera, where they talk about how he obsesses over his movie and how he never has time for his family. It painted a picture of a film maker who had given up everything in his life to make art (that he ended up hating), and it was scary to watch his wife talk about divorce because of it. To see a man become so successful and seem so miserable made me, as a director of the biggest project of my life, terrified. The documentary made me regret the path I had taken, and it made me want to go back and change everything I had done.

But like I said, it was brief.

There's no doubt that the process of bringing "La Esencia" to life was blood, sweat and tears. The film fried my artistic brain to a crisp, pushed me to my limits as a film maker and made me question my own humanity and life decisions. What emerged from the ashes of principal photography is someone who couldn't have been happier with the production, the crew, the story and everything in between. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, and I can't wait to do it all again. I'm proud to say that I've never been more confident of my own art and my own destiny. Let's make another one!

-morgan

#reflections #laesencia #directing